This Is the Last Time

This is the last time I beat myself up.

The last time I knew a group of people, it fizzled because time ran out (the time before because I ran out…ish – another story, another time…or not). So I went away to reset unto an unknown time. People wondered where and how I’d be. I wondered where and how I’d been (when, too). And where I would end up.

It has been a time of growth, of forging myself my own uncharted path forward alongside the man I love, of doing something else.

Since I couldn’t do eyebrows, I quite desperately started with trying to forgive myself, then forgiving myself, then, metaphysically across time and space, with forgiving others, for all that hurt and all that truly served no one. I opened a window. Let all the light in.

I’m the captain now, and we are moving forward.

I opened a door, too, toward fun, creative, and educational projects in need of nurture and action. The time is right now, after all. I wasn’t thinking of myself, when I tried to do so many things the last few years, because in my head and in heart, I figured I should be doing what I once did, and I missed it a bit, that I was already creating, determining, and inhabiting a whole new world of my own co-design (un mundo exacto de acabados tan perfectos…cada cosa calculada en su espacio y a su tiempo). I had been living out a few of my other dreams, but I didn’t know to know it and own it and love it.

But now I know: I am my own example, and it is my lot in this life to be right here, right now, and it is alright and encouraged to feel joy about all o’ this because I am kicking ass in all the ways that matter to me and mine.

I’m done being sorry.

Before I’d say, when the going gets rough, buck up, eat a cookie, and keep going. Now methinks rough ain’t so tough.

Taking stock is a wonderful thing. I recommend it for one and all.

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